Incandescence
by LoveTheCrazy
Summary: Part of the Eternal Journey Series. One-shot. Set after Containment. Sometimes, he could feel his breath catch and it never seemed to release. Who could fault him for needing to learn to breath again? He knew he wasn't the only one who could no longer draw air on their own. Subaru-centric.


_Incandescence_**: The Journey of Two Brothers**

* * *

Ichiru Mishurami did not consider himself a man of high standing. He was rather sure that if his sister could see him now she would have slaughtered him several times over, but the one thing that he was sure she would probably never forgive him for was allowing Kamui and Subaru to leave.

Fist Zero lost his mind, got hit by a car, and was begrudgingly back with them, barely speaking to anyone. That was hell for everyone involved. He remembered yelling at the older boy, the sound of Yuuki's crying seared into his mind. Zero had since become an immovable headache to him, one no one except maybe Yuuki, wanted to deal with.

And then, two months later Subaru and Kamui had vanished, leaving only a short note behind them.

_ We'll be back, don't worry._

In the year since his sister had been pronounced brain dead he hoped for the first time ever that she wouldn't wake up, if only for her not to see the scorching remains of what had once been her team.

* * *

Subaru had always wanted to travel the world, learn about the people who made up different places, see the sun rise from the other side of the earth. He fell in love with the idea of wanderlust, but could never bring himself to buy the plan ticket that could take him on that journey. He had too many responsibilities where he was. A brother. A team. A girl that was like a breath of fresh air and a weight on his chest at the same time.

But not anymore. His team was gone, no one having the will to do their job anymore. Some couldn't even think of doing it without there captain, others had become terrified of the thought, and then there were those like him: done. That part of his life was done now, part of him free with relief, the other conflicted and guilty at using the loss of his captain as his ticket to get away. He was not afraid of his line of work, far from it. It exhilarated him, but after the events of his last mission he knew he could no longer do it. The thought of hunting demons was stopped dead, like a stone wall was erected in his mind, forbidding the thought further passage.

And so he left. Oh his brother would not let him be alone, of course. He had brought the subject of leaving up before, but stopped when a terrified, blank look shot over his brother's face. He couldn't stand to leave _her _here alone. Kamui could never grasp the concept that she was not alone, but it was a shortcoming that he bore with pride. At least Kamui could say that he never abandoned her when he felt so many other had, a thought that he clung to desperately. Subaru could see the longing beneath the surface though, to get away from the place that held so many reminders of their life together. The smiles, the fights, the lingering glances that had meant so many different things, butnever what the other had actually thought. It was a place of memories and hopes long since dead. With that thought in mind, Subaru didn't mind playing the devil's advocate and slowly wore his brother down, casually slipping in the barbed reminders here and there. Perhaps it hadn't come as much of a surprise when Kamui had handed him plane tickets one morning.

Subaru knew what he was doing was selfish, knew it could be seen as though he was abandoning the others to their own devices, but he wouldn't let the guilt of his actions stop him. Both of them needed this. To escape, to be able to breath again without having to worry about what the others needed or what they should do for her, or what she would want, or just _her. _

He wouldn't say he resented her, he could never, but he couldn't be around the her empty body anymore when the signs that her soul had once inhabited it were all around him, making try to keep her alive.

Because she wasn't. At least, the best part of her wasn't. She had made sure of that.

Looking in front of him, he had the option to board the plane, or simply walk away. He could walk away and carry the knowledge that she had let all of them go willingly, or he could get on the dammed plane and forget that the Mishurami shrine had ever even existed for awhile. He knew that the idea of going back to that knowledge, that life, made his throat constrict and he knew if dared take a breath that it wouldn't come. So he boarded, tossed his carry-on into the overhead compartment and let out a sigh of relief when the plan finally took off, reveling in the ease in which his lungs took in the oxygen. Kamui was staring out the window, watching Japan grow smaller and smaller under them until it was out of their sights completely.

Leaning back in his seat he closed his eyes. Up here, unable to get back, he found he could breath again. Hr relished in the feeling, it had been gone for so long he had forgotten what it felt like, this freedom. Oh he was going to enjoy this.

* * *

They had made their way through Europe in about two weeks (he loved it there, Kamui had detested it). Subaru had been fascinated by the change in culture, the idiosyncrasies that plagued the citizens throughout the continent, so different from his home.

After that they had flown down to Oceania and stayed in New Zealand for about a month. The overwhelming amount of green and open scenery had calmed both of them considerably, the ocean and foliage, so large and beautiful, had been enough to give them perspective. On themselves, on their family, on her. He could understand what had happened now. When Aki told them of her coming to the hotel, he had likened her to a caged, feral animal. Ready to strike out at any enemy that got too close. He could understand now that the enemy had gotten to close at the shrine, and what else was a somewhat tamed scared animal to do? She reverted to her oldest habits and had lashed out with everything she had. Subaru now understood that _he _had understood her more than any of the team ever could. He had understood, and fought back with her. Kamui hadn't take that revelation well, raging on for days, leaving the cottage they had rented and coming back hours later soaked to the bone with sea brine, shivering from the cold and lingering anger. They hadn't stayed long after that, despite the calming effects the place had once had.

Where they went to next was actually chosen completely on chance. Kamui had been looking over his shoulder at the computer screen, and reading his twins' indecision, had stabbed his finger at a random selection. They had ended up in Africa. Subaru had convinced Kamui to give some of their time in relief efforts from a storm that had devastated a village close to the town they were staying in. After much grumbling and many a "Why should we?" he had finally relented and they had gone to the village. In the end it was Kamui who hadn't wanted to leave, which had made them stay there for another month, the building of houses and schools had turned out to be even more therapeutic than he realized. After that, at Kamui's insistence, they had flown several tropical islands, hoping to find the same temporary peace they had found in New Zealand, but tired of them quickly. They had kept this up until they had been gone for about eight months, which is when they had received a call from the hotel. Himeko was sick, it was serious, and they needed to come home.

Subaru had been reluctant, he didn't know if he could return yet without the feeling of drowning returning to him. Kamui had let out a frustrated sigh,  
"We could always leave again once we know that Himeko is alright. We owe her that much."

They both knew that was a total lie, they would not leave again if they went back. They would both find reasons to stay, because the moment they stepped through that door their guilt for what they had done would come back full force.

Subaru looked done at his hands, now tanner than they had ever been before. That first year after that damned case he could hardly look in the mirror, not only because of guilt, but also because he couldn't recognize his own face. He had become pale, almost to the point of looking deathly, greif had taken his appetite, and with the urge to eat gone he had grown dangerously thin. _She _was even healthier than him. That had been when he had made the decision to leave. And now he was supposed to go back to that? The idea was a hard one to swallow.

It seemed that the decision was made for him the next day when his cell phone went off loudly in the predawn hours, waking him up rudely. He had grabbed the device, almost dropping it, bleary eyes blinding him. He groaned into the speaker, his displeasure at being woken at such an early hour clear.

"Subaru, I know it's early but Himeko just collapsed, she's on her way to surgery but she's not responding...and I don't know what to do."

He remained silent, shock paralyzing his vocal cords. Collapsed? The day before they had just said that there were some minor complications and now...It had been Hiro who had called, the low timbre of his voice cracking slightly at the end. How could it not when he and Himeko had adopted each other as surrogate siblings so very long ago? Subaru found himself wincing at the shake in the other boy's tone, mind replacing Himeko's name with Kamui's. With hers. He could understand the bewildered grief. He cleared his throat, "We'll get on the next plane out."

He had woken his brother up gently, his voice flatly telling him the news while he registered the shock pouring into his brother's eyes. He could only imagine his brother in Himeko's place as he struggled to keep his tone even. Himeko was dear to him, yes, but the idea of them losing another member of their team was more shocking than anything. "O-okay, have you found a flight?" Subaru tossed him the tickets he had just printed out. It was funny, the one who didn't want to leave had bought their plane tickets at the beginning of their journey, and it was the same now.

* * *

It was a tumor that had caused Himeko to collapse. A brain tumor, to be exact. Surgery was the first step to her recovery. She had to undergo many different treatment plans, the drugs they gave her switching all the time to try and find the right fit for the girl. He had never witnessed someone grow up so quickly as he did the six months that she was in the hospital. The fact that she could die very suddenly was probably the main factor, but he had a suspicion that it had to do with the fact that they had placed her on the same floor as those two. He would often find her staring out the door, as if waiting for someone. He had once confided in him that she didn't know what she was waiting for, just that she felt like she had to. Maybe it was the influence of the drugs they had her on. He had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't.

Some days were worse than others, she became irritable and held a solitary air about her, and others she was the same little girl he had always known. Having Ichiru around constantly helped, he could tell. Those two had grown close quickly and it seemed they were now inseparable. The boy was affected deeply by her illness. He was at the hospital whenever he could be, often bringing her things to try and keep her entertained, her mind off of her health. The idea of her possibly dying had started a fire in Ichiru that was shocking. It had become an unspoken rule between the residents of the hotel to not mention any pessimistic outcomes in front of the young boy, lest they face his wrath and following misery.

Distracted as they were, it seemed that no one was angry with them for their sudden departure, perhaps they all understood on some level, maybe longed for it too.

Zero had gone so far as to remark, "Hell, I did the same thing, but instead of taking off I threw myself down a hole. Good job on picking the healthier option." The comment had shocked him, he didn't much like the feeling of comparing his peaceful getaway to Zero's implosion, but he'd be lying if he didn't understand the logic. Being the one to suggest they go visit Zero when he was at his worst, he could only wonder when he had hit his own worst? He had an idea.

At the six month mark Himeko was discharged from the hospital, she was to return every month for check-ups on whether the tumor had finally allowed her remission or if it still had a hold on her life. He had never seen two children smile so brightly before, but he guessed they weren't children anymore. That night, after all the others had settled in at the hotel, he found himself in _her _room. He could only stare at their faces, peaceful and almost..incandescent. Like their inner light, one could call it a soul, were shining out through the small smiles that flitted across both of their faces. If he didn't know better he would say that they were actually smiling down on them. He closed his eyes, and took a breath. It still hurt, in an almost physical fashion, but less so. He opened his eyes and stared down at her again. So much had changed since that day. The youngest of them had been torn from their childhood, and he felt as if he had aged several decades.

"I'll keep trying," He had whispered, "To be better, to not have to run away again. I can't promise anything other than the fact that I'll try. But only if you keep fighting too." He wanted to say imagine the twitching of her hand, but the feeling of it tightening around his was too real. He swallowed down the gasp that threatened to leave his throat. He took it as an agreement. If she could appear to be so peaceful, even when he knew that one of the others must have told her sleeping body what he had done, he had to try his hardest as well. To become so...incandescent that there would be no doubt left that he had succeeded in becoming better.

"But don't you dare stop fighting...Mai."

* * *

**Another one-shot done! Two more to go! I can't promise that it will be very timely, but I will try my best! Thanks for reading and let me know what you thought!**


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